Photo by Alyssa Ledesma
Not too long ago I shared some of my own personal definitions for some key terms when it comes to conversations about race based on some exchanges I had with some friends.
If you didn’t read it, maybe check it out before reading this one.
But after the last post I started to wonder… what if there’s something else holding you back?
That question really began stirring in me after coming across this study which looked at how young people view racism. Many consider millennials and generation Z to be open-minded and inclusive, and the study’s findings support those claims. The study determined 91% of millennials believe in equality, and 84% were taught by families to treat everyone equally regardless of race. Yet the very same study confirmed that only 37% of respondents were raised in families that actually talked about race. And even though the article was originally published in 2014, part of me wonders if it’s still relevant and accurate today.
Do you talk about race? Or do you avoid it because you’re scared of saying something wrong?
If so, I hope I can convince you to not let that be the thing that’s holding you back by considering a baby who is learning to walk. The baby doesn’t wait to have all the mental and physical skills needed to walk successfully before ever trying to take a first step. The baby makes attempts. And the baby falls, repeatedly. We even celebrate and cheer on the baby’s efforts until one day the baby learns how to walk. Having discussions about race is no different. Don’t wait until you have it all together. Just have a willingness to try, and be prepared for the almost certain falls along the way.
Maybe it’s something else holding you back. Could it be you’re scared of being called a racist?
Some consider that to be every white person’s biggest fear. Even George W. Bush said Kanye implying he was a racist was the single worst moment of his presidency. Think about that. Not 9/11. Not going to war over weapons that we never found. Not hurricane Katrina which actually prompted the relief show when Kanye made the outburst. None of those were his lowest point. It was when Kanye said he didn’t care about black people. He didn’t even use the word racist!
I wonder if the fear stems from a limited understanding of the term. We have historically characterized racists as bad people. As those who intend to hurt others simply because of their race. Simply saying the word prompts images of burning crosses and white men wearing hoods.
If that’s your definition and someone implies you’re a racist, much less actually calls you a racist, I would imagine you to be shocked. Maybe even Humiliated. Or outraged. And you might be tempted to think the person who called you a racist considers you to be capable of hateful violence. Because if racists are bad people, that would mean you’re a bad person. And chances are that all of your attention and effort would probably be diverted from whatever it was you actually said or did and, instead, you’d direct your focus solely on defending your character. Perhaps all of that is understandable if that’s how you define a racist.
But racism is a complicated system. It’s more than one single person or event. Think of a parent who is frustrated with a child who won’t do their homework or clean their room. If the parent yells at them one time, does that mean the parent is an awful parent? Or would it be more important for the parent to reflect on why they yelled in that moment? And if the parent starts to yell all the time, might that be a sign of a bigger problem to address? Rather than focusing on that specific term or the fear of being called a racist, why not ask yourself this question.
Do you have to be a racist in order to be a part of, or a beneficiary of, a racist system?
Consider when Amy Cooper called the police on Christian Cooper. Is it appropriate to label her a racist based on that one single incident? That might be a little severe. Is she a bad person? That’s not for me to say. Were her actions in that moment racist? Absolutely.
And what about Jake Fromm’s comment from 2019? Many know I’m a passionate fan of UGA football as well as Jake Fromm. Would I consider him a racist? Certainly not. Is he a bad person? I don’t think so. He’s a Christian who loves Jesus. Was his comment to limit guns to elite white people racist? Yes, of course it was.
So, if you’re white and worried about being called a racist, I don’t really have any words of encouragement. And I can’t attest it will never happen. Honestly, you may want to come to terms with the fact that it might happen at some point. But even if it does, that single moment isn’t what defines you. And if someone does call you racist, I beg you to try and have composure in the moment and not explode on the other person it. As awful as it sounds to you, imagine how hard it is for someone else, especially a person of color, to actually point it out.
And not only do I hope you won’t disregard the person or your behavior, I also hope you won’t absolve yourself based on good intentions. I love how Ijeoma Oluo makes this point in So You Want to Talk About Race. If you hit someone but didn’t mean to hit them, there still shouldn’t be a misunderstanding about whether you actually did hit the person. Simply not meaning to hurt someone doesn’t mean you didn’t hurt them. Instead, if someone calls you racist, consider their heart and feelings. And rather than seeing it as the worst thing in the world, try to use it as a powerful learning opportunity to understand what prompted certain ideas or behaviors in you. And apologize. If you’re really bold, you can even say thank you for them pointing it out.
There is one more term that I left out of the previous post, and it’s a term you may have heard before. It’s used to describe the fear held by white people that prevents them from engaging in tough conversations about race, white fragility. And instead of me trying to define it, I thought it was more appropriate to share an excerpt from the actual book entitled “White Fragility“ which was written by Robin DiAngelo, a white female who lectures on racial and social justice:
[White people] are insulated from racial stress, at the same time that we come to feel entitled and deserving of our advantage. Given how seldom we experience racial discomfort in society we dominate, we haven’t had to build our racial stamina. Socialized into a deeply internalized sense of superiority that we either are unaware of or can never admit to ourselves, we become highly fragile in conversations about race. We consider a challenge to our racial worldviews as a challenge to our very identities as good, moral people. Thus, we perceive any attempt to connect us to the system of racism as an unsettling and unfair moral offense. The smallest amount of racial stress is intolerable – the mere suggestion that being white has meaning often triggers a range of defensive responses. These include emotions such as anger, fear, and guilt and behaviors such as argumentation, silence, and withdrawal from the stress-inducing situation. These responses work to reinstate white equilibrium as they repel the challenge, return our racial comfort, and maintain our dominance within the racial hierarchy. I conceptualize this process as white fragility.
In essence, it’s a low tolerance for the mental and emotional stress of talking about race. And perhaps it is the reason you might think a conversation is unsafe or why you feel singled out, guilty, accused, insulted, angry, or judged by someone when you do try to talk about race. Just know it’s a common response and one you will probably want to acknowledge and be aware of.
So, what’s stopping you from talking about race? Is it not knowing some key terms? Maybe now you have some definitions in your toolkit to help alleviate that fear? Is it a fear of being called a racist? If that’s the case, you may want to consider that an inevitability, if nothing more than to be prepared for the moment that it happens, if it ever happens. Is white fragility holding you back? If so, perhaps now you’re aware of it and are able to identify it when you feel it in you.
Why not be bold by joining in and being a part of racial conversations? Yes, they can be hard. Sometimes even painful. But avoiding and ignoring it doesn’t make it go away. It will actually never go away unless people can get uncomfortable. And the reality is that racism will never be addressed, fully addressed, unless white people get involved and are a part of the discussions.
And if you’re still worried, I have one final suggestion. Just ask questions.
If you’re so worried about saying the wrong thing or being called a racist, don’t say anything. Just ask questions. Don’t impose your own opinions. Don’t offer solutions. Don’t defend or refute. And don’t interject or correct. Just ask questions. And then, just listen. And if you find yourself getting uncomfortable or disagreeing with the other person, ask yourself why.
By asking questions and simply listening, you limit the risk of saying something wrong and being seen as racist. And you’ll show that you truly care and want to hear someone else’s perspective.
So, what questions can you ask? If you’re unsure, why not start simply by asking a person of color how they personally define words like prejudice, racism, and privilege? And then ask them for any personal experiences that have been pivotal in shaping their definition? That will show that you want to learn and that you value them as a person and want to hear about their personal experiences.
Often times people define words differently because they have different beliefs or have had different personal experiences. For instance, many white Americans might view our nation’s history as full of discovery and opportunity, as a country founded on the promise of manifest destiny. But people of color might see that very same history through the lens of stolen land, slavery, and segregation. Neither is wrong. But they’re very different. Very different.
I’m reminded of a quote I once heard that says, “There can be no reconciliation without truth telling.” I think another way to say it would be, reconciliation is only possible with a common truth. That’s what I think we all need.
You’ll never know someone else’s truth unless you ask. So ask. And then, just listen.